A decade in review
Back in 2010, I was single, having left a relationship that was unhealthy, unsuitable and, well, depressing. I was on my own again, something I’m very good at and peaceful with. My daughter was going to Dal and I was living in a condo. My finances were pretty good and I was working full time in a job that had become more stressfull over the couple of years I had been there.
Back in 2011, I went off to do yoga teacher training and spent a month in an ashram. I started teaching yoga as soon as I returned, because momentum is vital for me. I’m a person who has trouble accepting that I’m qualified to do anything, so if I don’t get at it right away, I never will. That was also the year my daughter left for NL. She went to MUN in the beginning and is still in St John’s after all these years.
Back in 2012, I started writing a blog called Yoga with Maheshwari (the spiritual name I received during my yoga teacher training). It was all yoga all the time! Lots of the philosophy that I was studying and my interpretations of that philosophy. I wrote a lot that year! It was otherwise pretty uneventful.
Back in 2013, I took my first course in Thai Yoga Massage. Then I went to Toronto for my second level. I was so uncomfortable accepting money that sometimes I let people leave without paying and never once followed up. I realized in 2013 how severe my issues with money were. It was that year that I also took a course in tapping around money. It uncovered one of my most impactful moments in my money story - my biological father telling me he couldn’t see me anymore because my mom was making him pay too much. In my 10 year old mind that meant I wasn’t worth it.
Back in 2014, I was studying Lojong, mind training in the Buddhist tradition. I was also getting more into the anatomy of yoga and learning updated information around that. I was cruising aloong in life, frustrated by my job, but ok. I went to the Bahamas for a month and studied the 3rd and 4th levels of Thai Yoga Massage. I did a lot of thinking about relationships while there. I joined match that year - prompted by a friend who worried I’d never have a relationship again. I went on wierd dates, but I also met Danny. We’re still together.
Back in 2015, Wayne Dyer died. Wayne Dyer was a piece of my growth so it was significant to me. I also began being a little more political that year. I was frustrated by fear tactics in politics and was writing about it. My writing was changing to refelct my personal experiences in the world and my perceptions around events happening in the world. I was seeing more racism, more hate, more injustice that year. I began exploring what it meant to be an ally.
Back in 2016, my health started to decline. I hit 17% kidney function that year. For some reason that number stands out. It was the first time below 20 I guess. That was the year my Mom passed away. Although she passed in December, so there was a whole year before that, I don’t remember anything significant going on. Although I did know Mom had heart disease and was spending as much time with her as I could. We shared many moments that year; discussing our fears or lack thereof, laughing, worrying about my daughter, the usual. Mom was very happy that I was with Danny, but did admit she couldn’t really see him all that well because her eyes weren’t great anymore.
Back in 2017, I felt like I was walking through hell. The grief I felt was undescribable. It was made worse when my father of 35 years dropped out of the pictue becasue he started dating someone new. It was only a couple of months after Mom passed, and a couple more months and he was living with her. I reached out repeatedly but the relationship seemed tainted somehow. My kidney function was declining rapidly that year. I had a fistula put in for dialysis on June 14, my sister Tracy’s birthday. I was terrified of what that meant for me. My cousin was being tested to donate a kidney to me. My sister, Becky, was with me through the entire journey, coming to appointments, advocating for me. I wrote about the entire journey, the good - love around me - the bad -fear, grief, exhaustion. I wrote it all. I opened myself up to the whole world that year. I also went on stress leave from my job at the end of that year.
Back in 2018, I went on dialysis. It was hard to accept. I quickly realized how life altering dialysis is for people. I was likely a short termer, so I knew I wasn’t in it for the long haul, but I saw the people that were on dialysis for many years. I knew how I felt after - exhausted, often with pounding headaches and unable to truly function. My heart wept for those in the unit who had been there so long.
I turned 50 in 2018 and had a big old house party and danced my ass off. Three days later, my cousin and I went for surgery and I was gifted her gently used kidney. While in the hospital my 13 year old dog died. Oddly, it didn’t feel real because I wasn’t there. But I thought he may have felt abandoned by me. I still go to call for him sometimes. I experienced nurses who were funny, caring, more than capable and wonderful people. I experienced one nurse who wasn’t during the darkest night of my time in the hospital.
There was a fair amount of recovery time. I used that time to start a course in coaching. I was certified as a health and a life coach that year. Shortly after I started recovering, my sister, Jan, was diagnosed with lung cancer. I left my job that summer and spent a lot of time with my sister. She had chemo all summer and was very sick and exhausted. I did what I could for her, looked after her little dog a lot. I was grateful that life had worked in a way that I could spend time with her.
Back in 2019, my sister passed away. I promised myself not to fall apart like I had when my Mom passed. I kept moving, kept working at my business, got a fabulous part time job that allowed me to make a difference for some people while still working at my business. I allowed the grief to come when it had to. It was so mixed with my grief over Mom and even my father as it felt as if he had died too. It mixed with grief over my dog. So many mixed emotions and trying to keep it together. Knowing that I was sinking and continually pulling myself back up. Back and forth. Sinking at the most inappropriate times. Always publicly it seemed.
I was confronted with my money issues again, feeling less than. Wondering always if I was good enough. Wondering if maybe I was too fucked up to really be helping anyone else. What should be my strength - knowing first hand how it feels to be in other’s shoes from addiction to self-worth to poverty - might actually be my greatest weakness.
I carry on. I applied for and was accepted to the Masters in Counselling Psychology at Yorkville and will be starting in January. Still full of doubt, still wondering if I’m good enough, still grieving, still full of rage at the state of the world. But still standing. And so I go on.
2020 remains to be written.