Ch-ch-change
I was asked recently about my personal theory of change. As soon as I hear ‘theory’ I try to drum up what theories I know from other people’s work, but I was reminded that this person was looking for my theory of change.
It’ll come as no surprise to those who know me that I’m a pretty spiritual sort, but after my mom died I took a step back from my beliefs - a big step back! I felt nothing suddenly, like what I believed previously was ripped away overnight by grief. A grief so strong that I couldn’t really bear it. Since then I’ve had a lot going on in my life; a kidney transplant, my sister dying of cancer, I obtained a master’s degree, and beginning to work as a therapist are some of the bigger events. And my beliefs have started to come back bit by bit.
This past winter I was sick enough to think that I was dying. I’m pretty sure my sisters thought so too. I kept going, kept up with commitments as is my way until such time that I decided I’d done enough. I stopped teaching yoga and fitness, deciding that I needed to look after my own health and recognizing a deep craving to sit in yoga poses with full awareness rather than having my attention elsewhere. I started to do sun salutes and poses for short periods of time, sometimes a couple of times a day, and I prioritized walking with my dog as fitness and feeling joy as a way of life. I found myself not even a little bit worried about the dying part of the journey, but wanting to live well in my time on earth. I wanted to help as many people as I could in my counseling therapy practice as my service to the world. In essence, getting very sick with what turned out to be disseminated shingles (shingles in the blood) was the beginning of coming back to spirituality fully.
Lately, I’ve been reading books and listening to audiobooks that are based on self-actualizing and manifesting. I have Wayne Dyer in the car talking about his life and all the moments that have led to various outcomes that he needed to live the life he did. I’m reading The Road Less Travelled by Peck, and Transcend by Kaufman. I’m meditating every day again. Using japa meditation in the morning and setting strong intentions for not only my higher self but that of others. I am gaining confidence that I can truly help others heal. But how?
When I quit drinking almost 23 years ago, I left behind the greatest pain I could imagine and became lighter, and more intentional with everything. I started to behave in accordance with my values. I recognized I had values! And not only that, but I myself might have value. And so I began making choices that supported that. I began to feel love - not romantic love - but love of something greater. For me all those years ago I began to love humanity and life itself. I saw myself as part of a wider web with attaching points for each individual, all connected and affecting one another. And so everything that one individual did affected the entire species. Putting love into the world is to help and heal the world. And the more individuals that put love out there, the better we are at being human.
Change requires a glimmer of love, a sense of hope that can be stoked and encouraged. A bit of a sense that what one does in their life matters, even when they believe it doesn’t. We’re all part of this web and when we act in accordance with that belief, we have to change.